If You Love Me, Then Help Me.

 

For those out there suffering with a mental illness, you can probably relate:

During my “down days”, people are always asking me how they can help, what they can do for me, etc. It is always such a difficult question to answer, as there is not just one thing someone can do for a person to make everything better.

 

Which leads me to this idea:

If you love me, then please help me by understanding…

Help me by understanding sometimes I am just too tired to leave the house…

And sometimes, I just don’t feel up for a simple conversation.

Help me by giving me an ear when I need to talk, or a shoulder when I need to cry… even if you don’t understand why I’m so upset, because chances are, I don’t know why I’m upset either.

Help me by pushing me to do my best, but understanding that sometimes I am just incapable of giving my best.

Sometimes, I will cancel plans at the last minute… do not be upset with me, please just understand it is not my fault.

Some days I will be extroverted, but the very next day it may be difficult for me to leave my bed; understand a new day may seemingly make me a different person.

Understand that sometimes my only solace can be found in the pages of a book.

Help me by understanding that my anxiety, my depression, my rough days do not define me.

Listen to me when I want to talk, but understand when I can’t find the words to express what I am feeling.

I am more than what goes on in my head- I am finally understanding this, please understand this as well.

Help me by understanding sometimes I wish more than anything to escape my invading thoughts. 

Sometimes, understanding is all a person may need ~

 

Change Pt. 1 

I have a confession.

I don’t always have the energy to be who I want to be.

 To be the girl who gets her projects done weeks ahead of time. To be the girl who keeps her apartment spotless- cleaning and scrubbing every day (ugh, I wish…). To be the girl who makes her notecards for an exam the week before. To be the girl who goes for a run before class every day. To be the girl who writes blog posts weekly. To be the girl who actually starts writing a novel… and finishes it. To be the girl who reads one book each week.

I know you’re reading this and thinking: same, yes, same! I get it!

 But recently, it’s been worse. It’s not that simple anymore. This has been effecting my life in not-so-normal ways.

I don’t always have the energy to meet up with my friends for lunch. To text a friend from high school and ask “hey, how are you?” To pick up a book and read a few pages. To snapchat someone back. To take a simple picture to get back into the bookstagram world. To even write three words for a short story. To pick up the phone for a friendly call.

These simple, everyday things that makes a person complete and well-rounded is just so, so hard for me.

Now, I don’t have the energy to do these “extra” things- things I merely just want to do. But I would like to share that I still do the things I am obligated to do (I’m not THAT bad!!)-  I go to class (most days, oops), I study for my tests- just as much as I need to, never going above and beyond. I go to work, but I don’t strive for extra hours. I shower, I eat, I sleep.

Oh yes- sleep! That is one thing I do go above and beyond for. 8-9 hours each night, sometimes squeezing in a 1-2 hour nap. I always have the energy to do this.  ~jokes, slaps knee~

Okay but do you get my point? I am just rolling through the motions of everyday life. Doing what needs to be done, going where I need to go, giving just enough of myself that needs given, talking who I need to talk to— but never giving all of myself. I don’t do things for fun. For me. I don’t always live.

No matter how much caffeine I consume, no matter how much I sleep… the energy to make the most of each day just is not there.

I have lost contact with close friends because of this. I never see some of my friends because of this. I have settled for a B on a test because of this. I have stopped blogging because of this. I have stopped writing because of this. I have stopped reading because of this (for the most part.) Why? Because I am too tired to do any of the above things.

Am I not living up to my full potential? Am I not getting the most out of each and every day of my life? Is it because of my depression? It is because of my anxiety? Is there something biologically wrong with me? (I almost wish- give me meds and make me better!) 

I’m not sure, but it’s the way I have been lately and I am not diggin’ it.

I’m not a settler, so I am done settling for mediocre. I want to start pushing myself more. I am going to continue (or start?) to strive for greatness. I have it in me; and I don’t mean it in a “I’m so fantastic I have greatness in me” selfish, kind of way. Each person has greatness in them- greatness that can fulfill their lives and make them incredibly happy.

 We just must find a way to let that greatness out- and this is my goal.

Please stay tuned for plenty more blog posts: life updates, reading updates, movie reviews, my mental health problems, short stories, anything.

I am going to put myself out there; I’m done waiting.

#change

Chaos.

Wake up and smell the roses?

More like, wake up and smell the hectic schedule ahead of you.

From the moment your eyes open, it seems you are already stressed about the day ahead.

You’re bed is so comfortable, such a warm and safe place, and you don’t wanna get up because you don’t wanna deal with the world.

You inhale your coffee or tea, throw some bread in the toaster, all while dreaming about the moment you will finally be able to rest your already worn-out  head.

You scroll through your phone, updating yourself on the world news, missed text messages, and important work-related emails.

You checked your email before your restless night of sleep, so why is your inbox filled yet again?

You know the day ahead of you is filled with stress, work, studying, exams… you should really pick up the pace and get to class, but knowing this only makes you drag your feet more.

It’s hard to be excited for the upcoming weekend when you know you work the late shift at work, or that you’ll be stuck at the library late studying.

You throw on your coat. You get going. You sit in your car. You start your walk.

It’s just another day in your chaotic life.

Life is busy and you’re tired.

We’re so young, but we are so overwhelmed and stressed.

We’re so young, but we are suppose to be having fun and enjoying life.

We’re so young, but how did we get so old?

Life Update: School, Reading, Music, and Disney

Something amazing happened today.

I actually logged onto my blog.

I have been meaning to blog since, like September… yikes, I know.

Because of school, my life had gotten so crazy. Fall semester of junior year of OT school is known for being one of the most difficult, and after experiencing it myself I do not disagree. Each day of last semester was spent studying, studying, and more studying. I barely had free time at all; even when I was home on break I still had studying to do. SO not fair, but ’tis life.

However, I made it through- and successfully, if I may add. *pats self on back*. I got the highest GPA of my college career and made it on Dean’s List. Now, to only keep the aforementioned study habits up…

It probably goes without saying, but both writing and reading was put on a back burner since August. The only book I finished since August was Leave Me by Gayle Forman. (Which was pretty great! I got to meet Gayle in October and have her sign this book- right before I scurried over to my local coffee shop to start it! It took me two months to finish it, but, I finished it.)

I started several books, including The Princess Diarist and Thirteen Reasons Why, but never felt the urge to finish them, even though I had really been enjoying the books. It is quite the awful reading slump

***I think it is important to mention I am still buying books ugh of course THAT does not stop***

Christmas break was absolutely wonderful. I finally got a break from studying and got some hours in at work, so I wasn’t *as* broke as I had been in the fall. It was nice to finally relax and not worry about when my next exam was.

Then… DISNEY HAPPENED.

It was one of the most wonderful weeks I’ve had in a long time, and my weeks back at school for spring semester have been spent wishing I was back in the happiest place on earth.

Spring semester brings me with less of a course load, but I will also be tutoring and starting my first level 1 fieldwork. So, my schedule is busier, but here I am madly hoping my stress levels are not as high this time around.

I am hoping to get more reading done this semester, but I am also trying not to put too much pressure on myself to do so because I have found that stresses me out even more. My goal is to control my emotions, anxiety, etc more- because in the end, you are in control of how you feel. (Yeah, I know, I am still learning this myself…)

One thing that has been kind of by my side throughout the whirlwind that is junior year is music. It sounds silly I know, but it has been there for me through it all. When I’m stressing over finishing a research paper, when I am studying for an oral practical (THOSE ARE THE WORST BTW), or when I’m just feeling lonely, music is there. I have discovered more artists and bands that touch my soul and it has been glorious. (The Rolling Stones are proving to be wonderful writing music, btw.)

There is just nothing stressful about just simply putting on your headphones and letting the music take over from there. It is the best.

Anyyyyyway, thanks for reading this ramble of a blog post and I hope it was at least somewhat interesting! I hope to be posting more, but if there is anything you want to see from me just let me know in the comments! What music do you like? How do you like to de-stress? Leave me a comment!

Short Story: The Christmas Visit

Thank you to Gracie and Darran for this lovely theme idea- A Christmas Present You Didn’t Want! I decided to “mimick” this and make the idea into my own.

Just so it is known to anyone reading this, I am using this theme just for the sake of creative writing- this is a completely made-up story that has never happened to me before!

I am also aware it is not Christmas time, but it is never too early to get in the holiday spirit right? 🙂

Hope you enjoy! ❤

I was completely heart broken about having to leave my home. It was seemingly filled top to bottom with new presents from Santa. I cried and cried for my mummy to just let me stay home so I could play with everything. My hands were aching to drive around with my new toy fire truck, and even though it was bitter cold out, I wanted daddy to take me outside to play catch with my new ball.

Despite my incessant wailing, refusing to leave my bedroom to get in the car, mummy still made me take this long, agonizing, dull trip. I don’t remember the car ride itself, because I think my tears had finally put me to sleep. Daddy woke me up and told me I had to walk myself into my nanny’s home. He didn’t carry me like he usually does.

When we walked in, my daddy had to write our names down on a desk that was in the entry way. I plugged my nose like little kids do when they cannonball into a swimming pool; the smell that painted this place was incredibly displeasing. I guess the smell didn’t bother mummy, because she told me to stop and be polite.

We walked down a few long hallways to my nanny’s room. Once in nanny’s bedroom, I hid behind my mummy, which had been my comfort zone for all my six years.

Daddy went and kissed nanny on the cheek and took a seat by her bed. Mummy chose a chair by the door and pulled me up onto her lap while snuggling her arms around me. We sat like that for a while.

  I watched daddy, who kept his eyes on nanny, telling her about how much of a big boy I am. I was too scared to talk, so I kept hiding my face behind mummy’s arms. Nanny didn’t say anything either, though. Nanny never really talked as much as she used to. I just don’t think she has anything to say.

I couldn’t sit anymore, so I pulled out of mummy’s arms and started walking around nanny’s room. There are no pictures, or candles, or flowers like nanny’s old house used to have. I don’t know why she moved to a different house and why mummy and daddy have been taking me to see her so often.

I kept asking mummy if I could go home and play with my toys now. She kept telling me to be patient, my toys will be at home waiting for me.

“Now though, mummy. Now. Now. Please now. I wanna go home, I’m bored.”

Finally, daddy kissed nanny’s cheek again and said we could go home. I was so happy to go home and play with my new firetruck.

Daddy picked me up because he wanted me to say goodbye to nanny. I held on to daddy with both my hands, anxiously gripping his back. As we walked closer to the bed, I noticed how my nanny’s eyes were watching me. She had a funny looking smile on her face. I could see her mouth twitching, like she was trying to say something to me. Nothing came out of her mouth.

I remembered the times when I was littler at my nanny’s house. We would play games together, eat popsicles, and go to the playground.

Daddy leaned down so I could give her a hug. I wrapped my arms around her, but only one of her arms loosely reached hold of me. I said “love you, nanny” as daddy carried me away and out of nanny’s house.

“Nanny’s really sick,” daddy told me when we were driving home. “Her brain isn’t letting her talk to us or even move.”

I sat there and let my naive, innocent, 6-year-old mind fully capture what daddy was telling me. It was hard for me to comprehend that my once lively, happy, outgoing nanny was now sick.

I still remember this day, over twenty years later. I remember reluctantly going to see my nanny. I remember the hug I gave her, and me reminding my nanny that I loved her.

What I don’t remember is the firetruck Santa left for me under the Christmas tree.