This is more of a ramblin’ post, so I am sorry if it is messy or confusing, but here are my feelings, friends:
I’ve loved writing since I was a kid. I would write little “silly” short stories, and even some autobiographies, which made my mom claim that I was her favorite author. I was convinced that some day I was gonna be professional writer. (Little did I realize how difficult it would be to write a whole novel.)
Writing has been hard lately, especially this past year. I have had a whole jumble of words in my mind, but I have just been unable to get the words out on the page (or computer screen, let’s be real.) I had hoped that maybe it was just college getting in the way, which was a feasible excuse. Once summer hit, I had high hopes that I would be doing a lot more writing.
Well, I was wrong. Writing is hard and I am struggling with it and, basically, I don’t know how to go on.
I don’t know where to go exactly as per a writing theme for my blog. Should it simply be for my creative writings? Should I make it a book blog? Is it okay to keep it a mix of things? Am I even meant to have a blog?
I guess I just haven’t developed my own sense of blogging and writing style yet, which hurts my soul because I want it more than anything.
I partly believe I have been struggling with my writing because I feel my writing is not good enough. (Fun fact: I never feel good enough about anything. I am merely mediocre just wingin’ life.) Writing is clearly just a hobby of mine, whereas other people take it so much more seriously because it is their actual career. Yikes. I read all kinds of blog posts, magazines, journal articles, etc. and become in awe of how well some people write; I’m constantly impressed with the way people put words together and obtain the ability to tell such fantastic stories. If they can write that good, then where does my writing even fit in the grand scheme of things? Where do my words have a place in this world?
When I tell people this, they give me advice, such as “Just write!” “Write for thirty minutes each day!” And, I’m sorry, but that is BS. If I were to try to follow that “write for thirty minutes” rule, it would just stress me out more about writing, so I don’t think it is something that would make me fall in love with writing again.I have about 20 drafts saved on here, with great ideas and topics that I am actually really proud of, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to actually write them. Writing just is not as invigorating as it was before; it now seems more exhausting. It seems that, lately, only on a rare day does writing enthuse me like it used to. (Oh, how I miss that feeling.)
I don’t have a large audience that reads my writing on my blog. It sucks, I wish I had more readers, I wish my blog was able to reach more people, because maybe that would encourage my writing more. This sounds kind of pathetic to be putting out there, but it is the truth. I am not feeling encouraged to write because no one else is relying on me to write. (I’m a people pleaser, what can I say?) My boyfriend has told me, on multiple occasions, to write for me, not for my readers. This advice was probably the most helpful writing advice I have received. I want to start writing to impress myself, because who cares who is viewing my work and if they like it?
I have a lot farther to go in my writing journey as well as a pretty big hole to dig out of. I have a lot of confidence that needs built, with many other things besides writing.
Writing is what gives me happiness but also makes me feel super lonely and withdrawn.
I just wanna be a bomb ass writer, but at the same time I don’t feel motivated to write at all. A conundrum at it’s finest.
Writing is hard.