I have a confession.
I don’t always have the energy to be who I want to be.
To be the girl who gets her projects done weeks ahead of time. To be the girl who keeps her apartment spotless- cleaning and scrubbing every day (ugh, I wish…). To be the girl who makes her notecards for an exam the week before. To be the girl who goes for a run before class every day. To be the girl who writes blog posts weekly. To be the girl who actually starts writing a novel… and finishes it. To be the girl who reads one book each week.
I know you’re reading this and thinking: same, yes, same! I get it!
But recently, it’s been worse. It’s not that simple anymore. This has been effecting my life in not-so-normal ways.
I don’t always have the energy to meet up with my friends for lunch. To text a friend from high school and ask “hey, how are you?” To pick up a book and read a few pages. To snapchat someone back. To take a simple picture to get back into the bookstagram world. To even write three words for a short story. To pick up the phone for a friendly call.
These simple, everyday things that makes a person complete and well-rounded is just so, so hard for me.
Now, I don’t have the energy to do these “extra” things- things I merely just want to do. But I would like to share that I still do the things I am obligated to do (I’m not THAT bad!!)- I go to class (most days, oops), I study for my tests- just as much as I need to, never going above and beyond. I go to work, but I don’t strive for extra hours. I shower, I eat, I sleep.
Oh yes- sleep! That is one thing I do go above and beyond for. 8-9 hours each night, sometimes squeezing in a 1-2 hour nap. I always have the energy to do this. ~jokes, slaps knee~
Okay but do you get my point? I am just rolling through the motions of everyday life. Doing what needs to be done, going where I need to go, giving just enough of myself that needs given, talking who I need to talk to— but never giving all of myself. I don’t do things for fun. For me. I don’t always live.
No matter how much caffeine I consume, no matter how much I sleep… the energy to make the most of each day just is not there.
I have lost contact with close friends because of this. I never see some of my friends because of this. I have settled for a B on a test because of this. I have stopped blogging because of this. I have stopped writing because of this. I have stopped reading because of this (for the most part.) Why? Because I am too tired to do any of the above things.
Am I not living up to my full potential? Am I not getting the most out of each and every day of my life? Is it because of my depression? It is because of my anxiety? Is there something biologically wrong with me? (I almost wish- give me meds and make me better!)
I’m not sure, but it’s the way I have been lately and I am not diggin’ it.
I’m not a settler, so I am done settling for mediocre. I want to start pushing myself more. I am going to continue (or start?) to strive for greatness. I have it in me; and I don’t mean it in a “I’m so fantastic I have greatness in me” selfish, kind of way. Each person has greatness in them- greatness that can fulfill their lives and make them incredibly happy.
We just must find a way to let that greatness out- and this is my goal.
Please stay tuned for plenty more blog posts: life updates, reading updates, movie reviews, my mental health problems, short stories, anything.
I am going to put myself out there; I’m done waiting.